Vote Against Everything and Everyone
I don't consider myself a political man. I don't consider myself a man. I don't consider myself. I don't even consider. All of those involve too much of that thing that people do, usually consciously, with their brains. I forget what it's called but figuring it out would take a lot of something, I wish I knew what.
Like I said, I don't consider myself a political man. I do, however, watch commercials. That's how I know there is a presidential election coming up. According to commercials, I shouldn't vote for John McCain...or Barack Obama. At the same time, everyone is trying so hard to convince me that I should vote. This is all very confusing to me. So I am definitely supposed to vote, but not for or against anything. It's time to take this into my own hands.
Instead of doing a lot of research and becoming a well informed voter like I am usually really excited about, I have decided to listen to advertisements. All of them. I am going to form very strong opinions about every issue and candidate based off of the campaigns. Which is why I have come to the conclusion that being in favor of anything is a terrible idea. Apparently everything on the ballot sucks.
Take Obama, for example. His campaign slogan is a very condescending "yes we can!" I guess he forgot about the old adage that might say (if it exists) "just because you can do something, doesn't mean you should." And to be perfectly honest, Mr. Obama, I would rather you didn't. Plus, you clearly stole that slogan from the tag line of the 2002 hit Disney Channel Original Movie Gotta Kick It Up! staring America Ferrera, who is super ugly in her new TV show. I bet you thought that no one would notice because in the movie they say it in Spanish most of the time. Well, I'm on to you. And if I cared, I would something about it.
Now, I believe in hating both sides of any contention equally. Unfortunately, there really isn't anything bad to say about John McCain that hasn't already been said better in Pigeon English. We've all heard it so much over the last couple months that I think repeating now would be like beating to death the guy who keeps beating horses to death. Every time I think of something mean and funny to say about McCain, I realize that it's because I just heard Jon Stewart say it on The Daily Show. Let me be clear that I do not in any way endorse or want to have sex with John McCain. I just know that at the very mention of his name, everyone immediately thinks of all the bad things anyone can ever say about him, so my work is already done. (pre-done, if you will)
If anyone should be president, it should be the Sarah Palin. Palin is what Hilary Clinton could be if she had her testicles removed. Palin is attractive, a girl, and from a state that is nowhere near the rest of the America. She has everything going for her.
I guess what I'm really trying to say is, it's important to democracy that everyone go out and vote on the day that we are supposed to, whenever it may be. Don't be an apathetic voter like I used to be. Be a passionate voter that loves your country and shows that love by hating every side to every issue. Politics are stupid, and now that we know that, we can go out on election day in force and proudly show our support for not supporting anything.
Man I love this country.
Like I said, I don't consider myself a political man. I do, however, watch commercials. That's how I know there is a presidential election coming up. According to commercials, I shouldn't vote for John McCain...or Barack Obama. At the same time, everyone is trying so hard to convince me that I should vote. This is all very confusing to me. So I am definitely supposed to vote, but not for or against anything. It's time to take this into my own hands.
Instead of doing a lot of research and becoming a well informed voter like I am usually really excited about, I have decided to listen to advertisements. All of them. I am going to form very strong opinions about every issue and candidate based off of the campaigns. Which is why I have come to the conclusion that being in favor of anything is a terrible idea. Apparently everything on the ballot sucks.
Take Obama, for example. His campaign slogan is a very condescending "yes we can!" I guess he forgot about the old adage that might say (if it exists) "just because you can do something, doesn't mean you should." And to be perfectly honest, Mr. Obama, I would rather you didn't. Plus, you clearly stole that slogan from the tag line of the 2002 hit Disney Channel Original Movie Gotta Kick It Up! staring America Ferrera, who is super ugly in her new TV show. I bet you thought that no one would notice because in the movie they say it in Spanish most of the time. Well, I'm on to you. And if I cared, I would something about it.
Now, I believe in hating both sides of any contention equally. Unfortunately, there really isn't anything bad to say about John McCain that hasn't already been said better in Pigeon English. We've all heard it so much over the last couple months that I think repeating now would be like beating to death the guy who keeps beating horses to death. Every time I think of something mean and funny to say about McCain, I realize that it's because I just heard Jon Stewart say it on The Daily Show. Let me be clear that I do not in any way endorse or want to have sex with John McCain. I just know that at the very mention of his name, everyone immediately thinks of all the bad things anyone can ever say about him, so my work is already done. (pre-done, if you will)
If anyone should be president, it should be the Sarah Palin. Palin is what Hilary Clinton could be if she had her testicles removed. Palin is attractive, a girl, and from a state that is nowhere near the rest of the America. She has everything going for her.
I guess what I'm really trying to say is, it's important to democracy that everyone go out and vote on the day that we are supposed to, whenever it may be. Don't be an apathetic voter like I used to be. Be a passionate voter that loves your country and shows that love by hating every side to every issue. Politics are stupid, and now that we know that, we can go out on election day in force and proudly show our support for not supporting anything.
Man I love this country.
posted by Micah Haughey at 11:56 PM
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